Failure and getting up

Failure on doing things for personal recognition can be easily overcomed.
I've flanked so many job interviews. I was denied and denounced by love.
Those failures really pressured me, it tested how tough my mental status is
and how delicate this heart is.

Disappointment like that is like a cursed scarab beetle inching its way into your flesh
causing too much excruciating pain that you'll loose the will to live or in my case I lost my will to
believe that God-fearing upbringing is not my way to get out of this misery.

I lost my belief that God will provide all the things  I need. I only believe the harsh reality that
this cruel world throws at me. My good intention is not enough to get me through this war in my life.
I need to equip myself, I need to reconcile with myself, I need to find faith so that I can win
some battle in my life. I believe faith cannot be taught it must be experienced.

Feeling down and depress is good, it makes you feel more human. Bleeding and crying reminds you that
you are still alive. My knees maybe bent down but it will not stay down, my shoulders already gave up
because of the heaviness of my burden but I know once I rested enough I can get moving again.
My wound will heal leaving only scars, and can only remind me of the lesson of that experience.
My eyes will run out of tears and I will stop crying and sobbing, I only need to sleep it off then the greyness
that fills it will fade away. I will see beauty again, I will appreciate the sun and the rain like I used to
and you will see glitter in my eyes.

You asked me what's worrying me, I will now answer it. The day of reckoning for all my sins is what worries me.
My faith is weak, my foundation of belief is shallow, my strucure of confidence is not rigid. I am a delicate vase.
I am a crystal glass. I am aluminum metal. I am a lumber from a coconut tree.

I need a strong wall that I can lean to, I have to deepen my roots so I can hold on to what I believe, I need to brace
myself so I can stand tall. A delicate vase needs some light handling. This glass long for some buffing.
I need to be constructed wisely so I can be as tough as steel but light as titanium. I need protection from the elements
so I can lasts long and serve my purpose.

I am all battered and bruised, deformed and unrecognizable even my mother will not let me in our house
if I removed this decaying mask. I want to go back and refigure my oldself but my faults are hindering me to do so
because I am not like the way I am before. I have changed. I changed that I hardly knew myself. I will not let the wind
uncling me  to the bow, I will hold on to it.

Days of failure for men are inevitable, the good and the wicked have the same fate but it is after the fate that
makes the good man stand up again. It is the faith that things will get better is what keeping us from being down.
If I have been down and now experiencing God's favor in my life, I can now believe that I am a good man, and
God has declared to all that I am. I have faith in Him that he will forgive all my sins, because my God is a forgiving God.

Woe man

The fast and the furious on the game of thrones.

"Woman is a very dangerous weapon, all she needs is 5 minutes of your time and she can get whatever she wants with you." This are the owrds of the villain in the move FAst and the Furious.
This is very true especially if you are the kind of man who are longing for affection and companion of a beautiful, lustful and alluring woman who only wears two-piece bikini complimenting more her voluptous body. It is only a matter of time and you will let your guard down. And when that happens you're going to regret the moment you pay attention to her.
Great men fall because of women, you can even read passages from the bible how woman put a great man like wisest of all kings; Solomon to his destruction. History have laid it infront of our eyes how Cleopatra made Caesar worship her, Josephine's curse to Napoleon, Imelda Marcos to Ferdinand.

Woman, it is true, you are woe unto man.

They are our pain and they are our vain.

I think there's no need for complaining what we need to do is "Be like them." that is the words of a ranger from the series Game of Thrones. One of the ranger have said that they must do what the wildlings are doing, they must move fast and silent, in-order not to spot them and surprise their enemy on their attack.

Gone are the days of squaring off as a gentleman, now is the time for a guerilla warfare tactics. We should always be on our guard always looking for a clue when our bitch will slip. The length of our relationship with them does not mean we have to trust them, always make them realize that we are their masters.

Men rule the earth and it will always be like that.

On being cheated

There's a new girl in town and everybody is talking about her. But I found out that she already have a secret lover from a friend from other department. And this friend is making a move on the girl, so I advice him not to push thru with it, because I know it will only create trouble in the office and the good relationship that we had will only sour. But to my surprise he throws at me an unexpected answer, that if the woman wants him and is fine with having two lovers at the same time then there's no problem.

I know that this is possible because of his cunning character, but that straight answer from him send shivers to my spine. It made me thought about it for sometime and after having a quite moment and looking back at my personal experience I will have to agree to what he said.

"If the woman wants to have two lovers at the same time, then there's no problem with it."

I remember also some line from the movie Deuce Bigalow where Deuce says that all the woman needs is some real loving and making them feel important and loved, if they don't feel it they will start looking for someone who'll make them feel special.

There's a real truth about it, if the woman had enough and run out of patience then he'll go looking for other options. But what if that is not the case?

I guess it depends on the woman, don't you think? What if your woman told you of having that kind of history and she's totally agreeing with that kind of principle? What would you think you would do?

Are you going to make reservations about your feelings for her? Or you're going to hold back what you truly feel about her? Now, this kind of situation really makes me doubtful about real love. It makes me think that there is no such thing as that. What I believe now is you just need to make the moment last whenever you are with someone. Make the most out of it, so it will be one of those memorable moment in your life and at the same time accept the fact that nothing lasts forever. There is no forever in our lives.

All the feelings that we are experiencing are just temporary. It is difficult to swallow reality, but  what can we do about it. We are complicated species.

You cannot control people, you can only control how you react to all those shit they throw at you.

Training & the actual game

Right in front of a thousand cheering and adoring fans (well, it seems like that) our faces were slapped and butt kicked. Yes! Humiliated is the word that can rightly described what our team experienced yesterday. It seems our opponent is a different machine yesterday, they are well oiled and they are in full synch with each other. We just cannot decipher their strategy, they are playing real basketball. Fuck! all those trainings seems so distant, we cannot even get a decent point on the first half of the game and we're down by 20.
The deficit is really heart breaking, the order has dissipated from the group and panic took over and everybody is in deep awe of what had hit us. Everyone is shock to see our fall, we live to our name..we are expendables.
All seems to have shown disappointment and frustrations, we bow our heads, looking for a sign, looking a help on how we can even slashed the gap to a single digit.
But the good thing about losing, about being expelled, about being an underdog is we've learn how to pick ourselves from the dust easily. We cannot let this defeat ruin us, we built this team because we just want to play and show everybody that playing team sports isn't about winning but being a part of a group of people trying earnestly to work things out even it seems impossible. It is about working our differences together, being calm despite of the adversaries, thinking over and over again what is the best way that we can match the skills of the opposing team.

We all witness that regrouping and changing strategies work we just run out of time, that we're not able to sustain our run. But you know what? We scared the shit out of that team. We only prove that we have the potential to be a real group, we just need to work hard on it, pay attention to each players ability because for me basketball is like chess but with more adrenaline rush. If you know how to move your pieces together you can prepare for an effective attack and eventually a checkmate.

Wooly Bully

Bullying.
Bullies have a fatal attraction with tiny people, outcast, people with different cultural backgrounds, skin color, abnormalities, health, folks with introvert character, sickly and lame, there are other feautures that bullies are looking for on their victims but these are the common attributes that they can't resist.
This is what happened in our office, there is this newly hired guy who acts as if he's really the expert and know how to run things well in their department. What amazes me is that he's only a staff but he acts like a manager and he keeps on bullying his coworker who is a midget size woman with tiny voice. Until one instance that they've got some issues to sort out, this bully keep on pushing the girl to the wall and he left her no other choice but to fight back. I'm really quite surprised about the resisting attitude, "You've done enough and I won't let it go on forever, I've got some self respect, it's time t shut your mouth". With much to do and professionalism as her backup buddy she was able to craft a plan that pinned down her bully. And now he's sorry and clamoring for an apology.
That's another simple David and Goliath story, it doesn't matter how big your bully is if you can come up with a good strategy on bringing him to his knees and leaving him no option but to yield. Because most of the time is they are just dogs who only shows their canine but if you will see their tails it's tucked in between their legs. Their courage is like toppings and side dishes.
There are  a lot of people that I met who is like that, without even asking they will tell what they did great or what they have experienced just to let you know that they are not just ordinary, that they are something else. If I am going to let my rudeness overcome me, I'll surely shout into his face that "I don't fucking care!"
Yes, that's what I should do because those egotistical maniac deserved that kind of treatment. Because if they are at their own senses they surely must know that it is not the right way to have a pleasant and stimulating conversation.
And what's wrong with being ordinary? Ordinary is good it only shows that you are normal and capable of doing things like other people. This is the problem when we watch too much movies and scripted reality shows. People televisions are blurring our perception of what is real in this world, this whole system of poisonous marketing strategy by the big companies are the root of all this madness. Vanity is surely taking over, feminism on men are fucking ruining the our world. Gays are fucking given much attention, values are being stretch-out to avail sympathies of the masses for personal gain. Yep, that's right folks there are few people that are pulling our strings, they are the big bullies and from their eyes we don;t amount to something. But all I can say is, "The only thing that can get into the eye of corruption is us tiny people."

Meetings

Meetings. A friend asked me why I am not attending any meeting? That thought on her mind made her judge me, that i don't have any initiative or I don't cooperate. Well, her thinking is ok with me. Anyone can pass me that judgement but I think there's another story behind that story. I told her that my main reason was those people attending meetings daily and weekly are just wasting time and not being productive. Why did I say that?

Actually I used to attend before but I lost interest and enthusiasm with the people I'm having a meeting. Here's the process of the meeting that we're having;

First, they will talk about the meeting that we've done a week ago, then we'll talk about our topic for the next meeting. It's plain and simple we are just walking around circles talking what we've talked about to plan what we need to talk about the following talk session. I forgot to tell you that I work with Japs folks so there is this respect for senior citizens, you cannot tell them anything, you just bow your head. That's the main rule if you violate that, they will mark you as rude, disrespectful.

It doesn't matter whether they are ridiculing a person in front of many people, it doesn't matter they yell at your simple mistakes, they are always right. So, what I'm trying to say is you cannot suggest a thing in the meeting because nobody is going to listen especially if you are a young brood like me.

And this kind of scenario is fucking eating all my interest in joining such a nonsense talk. i'd rather work silently on my desk fininshing the task I'm ask to do. Yes, you may be thinking I don't deserve any supervisory or managerial position with my attitude. yep, maybe you're right because I fucking work, those people who are on the high they're only good in one thing getting their job done by other people, and that is the working class like me. Yeap! that's my kind.

With all the shit that I'm doing and I think that I will go through my best pal that I can depend on is my job. And I believe that 100%, this job can save my ass, this job can keep me sane when insanity comes facing me in the future. This is just me, I just work and I am just a regular working guy.

Kantot of the day

Thoughts this past few days

1. Planning is better especially if you are going somewhere yo haven't been before, making a hardcopy of that plan is much better especially if you're not sure if the place you're going has cellphone reception.

2. No matter how discreet you do your escape, somebody will still see you. And that somebody  will be the key in unlocking your mystery.

3. Never trust anyone you drink and laugh with because they are the one who will sell you out.

4. If you want to improve what you are doing always do your best, it's either a hit or a miss there's no half way bullshit in this world.

5. Do not lie to your daughter.

6. Call you Mama once in a while, tell her how thankful you are.

7. I hate cheating, but I love getting away with it.

8. Learn to yield. Yeah! No matter how bitter it is, learn to swallow that puke again, especially if your opponent is gigantor like China. I hope most of the fucking people here in the Philippines are already awake how shit their government is. But it seems that the people are still mute and still embrace their stupidity. I don't see anyone or any group demanding change to the government about giving priority in military upgrade. All you can see and hear from the news are people waving protest placards about China's bullying. Politicians are so quite about the issue, they're all playing safe. Only few people from the senate made a little statement and after that they're all fucking silent about it. Now, China is implementing a fishing ban in our seas and we are yielding to it. What the fuck! And that fucking government guy said that our fishermans do not to go too far to fish because we have plenty near our shore, you fucktards I hope you rot in hell!

9. You are not a martial expert if you fight a group of six men at the same time. Martial arts is self preservation, you don't gamble if your chance of success is slim.

10. You cannot be too tough looking everytime, there will come a time that you'll be beaten and bloddied but a video footage can bring back your credibility.

11. People in the Philippines love the underdogs. That's right, that's why they are easily fooled.

empty cup

I have the tendency of making damage to myself and eventually destroying my whole image. When things becomes close to perfection and comfort lurks around I began to get bored and loose interest. That's why most of the times the end result of what I am doing is not ideal or what I wanted. Then my frustration over myself is going to start and I will slowly fade away from my goal. Then I am wasted.

Why is that I can't talk about my weakness with my wife? Or the things that's bugging my mind or my anxieties or whatever the fuck is making me paranoid? Why? Am I saving her all the pain and headache that I think I am only giving to myself? I've watched a movie, I forgot what the fuck is the title, I just remember some words being said about marriage and it goes like this.

"Marriage is suppose to make all your troubles lighter, you're suppose to have a companion in carrying up that cross your carrying."

It hit me because that should be the case. My burden should now be light at least now that I have a partner. But what I am feeling is different, I am feeling the weight increasing. I don't think that me and my wife have the same thinking of what we wanted in life. She just enjoys working and making some time worth having while I'm away doing my job here in the middle of nowhere. While I'm away dodging bullets just to give a tiny spark of hope that If I stay on my path doing this righteous thing our lives will be better and we'll be able to enjoy life like those fucking rich people. It's a fucking irony! All of this things that we're doing is an irony and it's eating me slowly. It is consuming my belief, it is consuming my principle, it is consuming my dignity.

Yes I have to admit, I am not the same person 6 years ago before I took this journey. It changed me. I don't fucking even know who I am right now.  I don't know how much more I can take before I explode and let all hell loose. I am slowly burning away, my fuel is slowly emptying. I am afraid this time an empty will be all I am.

jaded

What am I going to do with you? The words are supposed to be warm but it's shivering, making me chill inside out. All I can do is look into your eye while hearing you say what you did. You are jaded and I can't blame you for feeling like that.

Love has fled you a long time ago. Your love is a cancer that eats you up slowly, until it is words only to you. You are right, you just need someone by yourside, someone who can make you feel important and valued even for a while, because your existence is only for survival.

You do not need any saving from me. You can manage on your own. And you have accepted that is the way it is, who am I to be that guy? To save you from misery, my life is also shit. I'm in the brink of failure and destruction.

Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Battle hardened heart

My plan is to let you fall with me until you're dependent on my existence. Your life center will be me, your world will revolve around me. Then I will leave..I will leave you wounded and despairing.

That's how bullshit I am, I cannot be that nice too you. you are too dangerous. If I let my guard down, I know I'll get hit by a 10-wheeler truck, in your face succker punch. I can see no sincerity from you so don't be surprised about my actions. That's what you're giving me, i will give to you the same cold shoulder.

My existence will not depend on you. My existence and my happiness depend on my perception of it. I can be happy and satisfied on my own. I am a valuable person, I am full of talent, enthusiasm, creativity, good sense of humor. I am good looking that I can easily replace you.

You are common. You're the same like every woman your staus. It is understandable and plain simple to decipher you. You only do those things to survive, to feel good, to feel some worth about yourself. Yes, that is you. And you are a liar. But it does'nt matter, I know you are from the start we're together.

Good luck to both of us. May the battle hardened heart bleed less.

Tired..so fucking tired

I'm fucking tired, do you know that? I'm tired fo this shit that I'm dealing with, the weight is fucking killing me slowly, it's becoming unbearable. Sometimes I want to ask everybody who look up and depend on me.

"What the fuck do you want with me?" What?
What do you think of me? A machine who don't get fucked up? You think that I'm full of promisses and potential? What the fuck? I'm just tired of all your expectations on me. Now, I am telling you so loud to not raise your expectations on me. Do not treat me like your messiah because I am just like everyone else. I fucked up too.

That's right, I am an asshole exactly what you despise. I am one of those no good people who fuck up. Yes, that's me, I am no different to them. Don't be shock because that's ho I am. I can't take it anymore that's why I'm doing this things and telling you all the shitness that I'm hiding from all of you.

I don't fucking care, I'm tired. I want to be alone. I want to be free from all the burden you all giving me. I want to be with myself, myself alone.

Humpty dumpty

What's the difference between falling from a 10 storey building to a 5 storey building? Nothing, because both are fatal. If you fall from a 3 storey that's a little different you might be seriously injured, be paralyzed which is the worst thing than death.

Why the fuck this idea came to my mind? Well I was walking and inspecting my work area under the scorching sun and at the same time my balls are sweating. Fuck this! I am gonna be rich! Filthy rich! So i'll just sit on my throne and let other people do this kind of shit. I will aim higher, yeah, if I fail so be it.

If I fail, I want to have fatal failure, the kind that I'm going to kill myself or I will lose my life over it. That's the essence of trying your very best..and that is to fail greatly.

So, I'll climb the highest mountain, I'll swiim the deepest sea, I'll run the thousand extra miles. I'll shit on my pants to be fucking rich.

eulogy

We cannot deny death. Death is the end. Death is the pinnacle.
We must embrace it, befriend it, know about it, accept it.

If we will be able to accept that everything has an end, then our attachment to earthly possession will be temporary and shallowly rooted. We can easily pull the plug that is making us feel bad, making us bad if we don't  consider those material things as ourselves. We are not the things that we have, it is not the definition of your being. The things that you have will eventually wither away.

Nothing is permamenent in this world, everything will end. Even life itself, even love, fame, greatness. You can even end right now what you are feeling or what you are having, because you are the one who controls it. You are the one who's in-charge of your life.

In our culture, it is not a practice to prepare a eulogy to the dead. Mine is a shy culture, never in my life I have experience someone saying something about the dead. People just go to the funeral to pay respect for the living family members not to the dead.

If I am to be fetched by death right now this will be my eulogy.

Son of a peasant, who were able to obtain a good education thru patience and perseverance. He honored deeply his parents, love his siblings. An average students, live like a normal country boy. Know the ins and out of the most dreaded place in the capital. Never been vicitimized by theft and pickpockets, streetwise. A survivor, have been ridiculed not only twice, he lost count of it.

A fighter, who don't give up no matter how big the odds are. Low self esteem due to poverty, but is trying to overcome by working hard and sacrificing time with his own family. A loving husband and responsible father. A cheater, sinner, adulterer, he will burn in hell if there is hell.

Have a shakeable faith, envy the believers. Don;t tottally agree to the teaching of the church. Open minded to other philosophical view. Begging for peacefulness. Paranoid, coward, scared of life. Wants to control everything happening in his life. Contradictory principle in life. A loser.

Lustful, good in bed, have a good appetite in sex. Can satisfy a woman. Athletic, physically attrative. Good sense of humor, writes sometimes. Want to be many things, wants to achieve a lot of title. Wants to be rich and powerful.

Bitter. Do not forget who hurt him, always planning for revenge. Believe in payback and getting even. Believe that justice is in his own hand.

An adventurer, loves pain. Pain is his friend it's his alarm signal that he is alive, still human. Loves black coffee to remind him all the bitterness of life. Happiness is temporary, most of the time we are sad. We are made sad. Melancholic.

Confuse. Asking for forgiveness to the almighty and to all those people he have hurt. Believe that there is someone above us all. Wants to go back to a simple kind of life. Knowing is not the way to be happy it is the way to realize your sadness. Give me ignorance of all things, I don't want to know anymore.

Metamorphosis

Fighting starts even before you're born. You are a fighter, you didn't choose to be like that, it is in your blood. At the moment of your conception you are already fighting with other sperms, only the strongest manage to fit in to that egg and that is you. Because you are strong.

You are a butterfly. You chose to put yourself in isolation for a while to transform yourself into a more powerful being...and that is being human.

You know you can stand on your own. You've already done it for how many years, do not doubt yourself about the fall you are experiencing now.

You are rich, you just don't see your treasures. If you can open your eyes the wealth you are looking for are just around you.

You are nature, whether you like it or not, you will give yourself back to her. She is part of you and you are part of her.

Now, it's just a matter of time before you are something again...because you exist and no one can deny your presence.