empty cup

I have the tendency of making damage to myself and eventually destroying my whole image. When things becomes close to perfection and comfort lurks around I began to get bored and loose interest. That's why most of the times the end result of what I am doing is not ideal or what I wanted. Then my frustration over myself is going to start and I will slowly fade away from my goal. Then I am wasted.

Why is that I can't talk about my weakness with my wife? Or the things that's bugging my mind or my anxieties or whatever the fuck is making me paranoid? Why? Am I saving her all the pain and headache that I think I am only giving to myself? I've watched a movie, I forgot what the fuck is the title, I just remember some words being said about marriage and it goes like this.

"Marriage is suppose to make all your troubles lighter, you're suppose to have a companion in carrying up that cross your carrying."

It hit me because that should be the case. My burden should now be light at least now that I have a partner. But what I am feeling is different, I am feeling the weight increasing. I don't think that me and my wife have the same thinking of what we wanted in life. She just enjoys working and making some time worth having while I'm away doing my job here in the middle of nowhere. While I'm away dodging bullets just to give a tiny spark of hope that If I stay on my path doing this righteous thing our lives will be better and we'll be able to enjoy life like those fucking rich people. It's a fucking irony! All of this things that we're doing is an irony and it's eating me slowly. It is consuming my belief, it is consuming my principle, it is consuming my dignity.

Yes I have to admit, I am not the same person 6 years ago before I took this journey. It changed me. I don't fucking even know who I am right now.  I don't know how much more I can take before I explode and let all hell loose. I am slowly burning away, my fuel is slowly emptying. I am afraid this time an empty will be all I am.