empty cup

I have the tendency of making damage to myself and eventually destroying my whole image. When things becomes close to perfection and comfort lurks around I began to get bored and loose interest. That's why most of the times the end result of what I am doing is not ideal or what I wanted. Then my frustration over myself is going to start and I will slowly fade away from my goal. Then I am wasted.

Why is that I can't talk about my weakness with my wife? Or the things that's bugging my mind or my anxieties or whatever the fuck is making me paranoid? Why? Am I saving her all the pain and headache that I think I am only giving to myself? I've watched a movie, I forgot what the fuck is the title, I just remember some words being said about marriage and it goes like this.

"Marriage is suppose to make all your troubles lighter, you're suppose to have a companion in carrying up that cross your carrying."

It hit me because that should be the case. My burden should now be light at least now that I have a partner. But what I am feeling is different, I am feeling the weight increasing. I don't think that me and my wife have the same thinking of what we wanted in life. She just enjoys working and making some time worth having while I'm away doing my job here in the middle of nowhere. While I'm away dodging bullets just to give a tiny spark of hope that If I stay on my path doing this righteous thing our lives will be better and we'll be able to enjoy life like those fucking rich people. It's a fucking irony! All of this things that we're doing is an irony and it's eating me slowly. It is consuming my belief, it is consuming my principle, it is consuming my dignity.

Yes I have to admit, I am not the same person 6 years ago before I took this journey. It changed me. I don't fucking even know who I am right now.  I don't know how much more I can take before I explode and let all hell loose. I am slowly burning away, my fuel is slowly emptying. I am afraid this time an empty will be all I am.

jaded

What am I going to do with you? The words are supposed to be warm but it's shivering, making me chill inside out. All I can do is look into your eye while hearing you say what you did. You are jaded and I can't blame you for feeling like that.

Love has fled you a long time ago. Your love is a cancer that eats you up slowly, until it is words only to you. You are right, you just need someone by yourside, someone who can make you feel important and valued even for a while, because your existence is only for survival.

You do not need any saving from me. You can manage on your own. And you have accepted that is the way it is, who am I to be that guy? To save you from misery, my life is also shit. I'm in the brink of failure and destruction.

Why? Why are we doing this to ourselves?

Battle hardened heart

My plan is to let you fall with me until you're dependent on my existence. Your life center will be me, your world will revolve around me. Then I will leave..I will leave you wounded and despairing.

That's how bullshit I am, I cannot be that nice too you. you are too dangerous. If I let my guard down, I know I'll get hit by a 10-wheeler truck, in your face succker punch. I can see no sincerity from you so don't be surprised about my actions. That's what you're giving me, i will give to you the same cold shoulder.

My existence will not depend on you. My existence and my happiness depend on my perception of it. I can be happy and satisfied on my own. I am a valuable person, I am full of talent, enthusiasm, creativity, good sense of humor. I am good looking that I can easily replace you.

You are common. You're the same like every woman your staus. It is understandable and plain simple to decipher you. You only do those things to survive, to feel good, to feel some worth about yourself. Yes, that is you. And you are a liar. But it does'nt matter, I know you are from the start we're together.

Good luck to both of us. May the battle hardened heart bleed less.

Tired..so fucking tired

I'm fucking tired, do you know that? I'm tired fo this shit that I'm dealing with, the weight is fucking killing me slowly, it's becoming unbearable. Sometimes I want to ask everybody who look up and depend on me.

"What the fuck do you want with me?" What?
What do you think of me? A machine who don't get fucked up? You think that I'm full of promisses and potential? What the fuck? I'm just tired of all your expectations on me. Now, I am telling you so loud to not raise your expectations on me. Do not treat me like your messiah because I am just like everyone else. I fucked up too.

That's right, I am an asshole exactly what you despise. I am one of those no good people who fuck up. Yes, that's me, I am no different to them. Don't be shock because that's ho I am. I can't take it anymore that's why I'm doing this things and telling you all the shitness that I'm hiding from all of you.

I don't fucking care, I'm tired. I want to be alone. I want to be free from all the burden you all giving me. I want to be with myself, myself alone.

Humpty dumpty

What's the difference between falling from a 10 storey building to a 5 storey building? Nothing, because both are fatal. If you fall from a 3 storey that's a little different you might be seriously injured, be paralyzed which is the worst thing than death.

Why the fuck this idea came to my mind? Well I was walking and inspecting my work area under the scorching sun and at the same time my balls are sweating. Fuck this! I am gonna be rich! Filthy rich! So i'll just sit on my throne and let other people do this kind of shit. I will aim higher, yeah, if I fail so be it.

If I fail, I want to have fatal failure, the kind that I'm going to kill myself or I will lose my life over it. That's the essence of trying your very best..and that is to fail greatly.

So, I'll climb the highest mountain, I'll swiim the deepest sea, I'll run the thousand extra miles. I'll shit on my pants to be fucking rich.

eulogy

We cannot deny death. Death is the end. Death is the pinnacle.
We must embrace it, befriend it, know about it, accept it.

If we will be able to accept that everything has an end, then our attachment to earthly possession will be temporary and shallowly rooted. We can easily pull the plug that is making us feel bad, making us bad if we don't  consider those material things as ourselves. We are not the things that we have, it is not the definition of your being. The things that you have will eventually wither away.

Nothing is permamenent in this world, everything will end. Even life itself, even love, fame, greatness. You can even end right now what you are feeling or what you are having, because you are the one who controls it. You are the one who's in-charge of your life.

In our culture, it is not a practice to prepare a eulogy to the dead. Mine is a shy culture, never in my life I have experience someone saying something about the dead. People just go to the funeral to pay respect for the living family members not to the dead.

If I am to be fetched by death right now this will be my eulogy.

Son of a peasant, who were able to obtain a good education thru patience and perseverance. He honored deeply his parents, love his siblings. An average students, live like a normal country boy. Know the ins and out of the most dreaded place in the capital. Never been vicitimized by theft and pickpockets, streetwise. A survivor, have been ridiculed not only twice, he lost count of it.

A fighter, who don't give up no matter how big the odds are. Low self esteem due to poverty, but is trying to overcome by working hard and sacrificing time with his own family. A loving husband and responsible father. A cheater, sinner, adulterer, he will burn in hell if there is hell.

Have a shakeable faith, envy the believers. Don;t tottally agree to the teaching of the church. Open minded to other philosophical view. Begging for peacefulness. Paranoid, coward, scared of life. Wants to control everything happening in his life. Contradictory principle in life. A loser.

Lustful, good in bed, have a good appetite in sex. Can satisfy a woman. Athletic, physically attrative. Good sense of humor, writes sometimes. Want to be many things, wants to achieve a lot of title. Wants to be rich and powerful.

Bitter. Do not forget who hurt him, always planning for revenge. Believe in payback and getting even. Believe that justice is in his own hand.

An adventurer, loves pain. Pain is his friend it's his alarm signal that he is alive, still human. Loves black coffee to remind him all the bitterness of life. Happiness is temporary, most of the time we are sad. We are made sad. Melancholic.

Confuse. Asking for forgiveness to the almighty and to all those people he have hurt. Believe that there is someone above us all. Wants to go back to a simple kind of life. Knowing is not the way to be happy it is the way to realize your sadness. Give me ignorance of all things, I don't want to know anymore.

Metamorphosis

Fighting starts even before you're born. You are a fighter, you didn't choose to be like that, it is in your blood. At the moment of your conception you are already fighting with other sperms, only the strongest manage to fit in to that egg and that is you. Because you are strong.

You are a butterfly. You chose to put yourself in isolation for a while to transform yourself into a more powerful being...and that is being human.

You know you can stand on your own. You've already done it for how many years, do not doubt yourself about the fall you are experiencing now.

You are rich, you just don't see your treasures. If you can open your eyes the wealth you are looking for are just around you.

You are nature, whether you like it or not, you will give yourself back to her. She is part of you and you are part of her.

Now, it's just a matter of time before you are something again...because you exist and no one can deny your presence.